Feelings of stagnation
Yesterday I had a break down at home in front of my boyfriend. Why you ask? It was probably a combination of things, but one of it was my work. Not my healing work because that is absolutely something that I love, but my work as a lawyer for an IT company.
Since July this year, many of you know that I made a big change in my life stepping down from full time employment and coming back to work as a contractor for 3 days a week and studying full time for 2 days a week. From the studying perspective, I finished my Diploma in 3 weeks (yep - 3 weeks). From a work perspective, every day has been increasingly more difficult to bear.
Why is that? I feel it's because I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel for me in terms of my transition of becoming a full time healer. And whilst that is great, people who know me also know that I like to plan things and like to get to wherever I want to be quickly - very quickly.
I've noticed that my attitude at work has deteriorated dramatically since July. I used to be at least chirpy coming into work, willing to listen to other people's stories and the like and was more than happy to organise activities that would buoy a person's mood. Lots of people said I was like an energy ball and would inject positivity wherever I would go. Now, I'm pissed off, I can't be bothered having small chitchats with people as my only focus is to do work and get the heck out of there and I have no inclination whatsoever to be the life of the party. So what changed?
The simple answer to that is that I changed. Obviously we are all changing everyday and we tend to put up with things that are slightly annoying but bearable. I reached my tolerance level at my current work place a few months back. I'm sick and tired of being in a culture that is all about the figures, a disgustingly political and backstabbing culture where people will go to all sorts of means to get their way, a culture of "individual first company or clients last", a culture of "get things done yesterday and I'm going to pester you until you do it without acknowledging that I was the problem it was delayed". I mean, if you read that would you want to work in a place that is that toxic??
For me, what is even more unbearable is that I don't know how long I am going to stay there for. I know that I have this job as a means to an end - it pays my bills, my mortgage, allows me to do what I am here to do. But when will this end arrive? My studies finish in 3 weeks and currently I have no idea about where to go next in terms of my healing business. I feel like I'm stuck, and the Universe isn't very forthcoming at the moment around giving me an idea of my next step.
So I came home from work yesterday and started to vent to my boyfriend and then the tears started streaming down my face and didn't stop for a long while. I know the Universe is working in my favour - that is why I have a job that allows me to do what I need to do, that is why I've been so fortunate enough to have clients from day 1 of starting my own business... but I'm damn impatient because I know what my life purpose is and I just want to get the heck there right now.
My boyfriend told me that the reason why I didn't get any inkling of my next step, the reason why there was no opportunity that was coming to me right now was because I had no time for it. Balancing work (which I know will be pretty intense leading up to Xmas), studies, time with him, time to work on my health and fitness and catching up with friends is and has been tough. For a person who really likes to spend time alone from people, this season makes it tough and quite frankly, I tire easily. The only time where I will have a break will be Xmas time, and he reckons that at that time the Universe will show itself and give me some more hints about my next steps. I sincerely hope so!
And what can I say.. the Universe does work in some really bizarre ways. After my breakdown yesterday, I then proceeded to give my boyfriend a remedial massage as he's been needing it. After that we were wracking our brains about where to go for dinner, and "Indian" popped up into my head so we headed down the road to an Indian place. Lo and behold who would be sitting out the front of the Indian restaurant scoffing his face full of food? MM! I hadn't seen MM for ages and had been trying to talk to him for the past few months but he's been so busy but of all places I run into him out the front of a dodgy Indian restaurant which is actually a 40 min drive from where he lives! We had a quick but good chat where he suggested I email my lecturer who will be teaching me biodynamic craniosacral therapy next year for the reading material and said he'd lend me some more books and invited myself and my boyfriend over for a Japanese tea ceremony on Sunday morning. Fancy that!
My boyfriend commented as we were waiting for our food that running into my mentor was the Universe's way of telling me everything was going to be OK. Who would have thought right? I normally never have dinner at that time (I eat earlier as I'm normally starving when I get home from work) and I rarely ever get Indian but for some reason I had the urge to go to that place at that time. Well played Universe - thank you for being there to remind me that everything is happening for a reason.
That's not to say that I don't feel shitty about working at my current company. I do. I know that I still need to work in this job as it cares for my material needs... so until the time I can completely make the transition, I'm going to find it hard to stop myself from looking far into the future. But I do know that I have the support of my family and friends, I really wonderful and caring boyfriend and the Universe always has my back. And as one of my dear friends told me this week "Look at how fast you have progressed down this path - it was only a little over a year ago that you made the choice to do this, and now you're only working 3 days a week, got a business with clients and you've almost finished your Diploma. That's pretty amazing". Yea she was right - I need to give myself a pat on the back for how far I have come in the past year and a bit. Sometimes it's so difficult to focus on the good aspects of your life when the negative ones are flung at you in your face. I'll get through this though.. the Universe never gives you something that you can't handle.
Since July this year, many of you know that I made a big change in my life stepping down from full time employment and coming back to work as a contractor for 3 days a week and studying full time for 2 days a week. From the studying perspective, I finished my Diploma in 3 weeks (yep - 3 weeks). From a work perspective, every day has been increasingly more difficult to bear.
Why is that? I feel it's because I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel for me in terms of my transition of becoming a full time healer. And whilst that is great, people who know me also know that I like to plan things and like to get to wherever I want to be quickly - very quickly.
I've noticed that my attitude at work has deteriorated dramatically since July. I used to be at least chirpy coming into work, willing to listen to other people's stories and the like and was more than happy to organise activities that would buoy a person's mood. Lots of people said I was like an energy ball and would inject positivity wherever I would go. Now, I'm pissed off, I can't be bothered having small chitchats with people as my only focus is to do work and get the heck out of there and I have no inclination whatsoever to be the life of the party. So what changed?
The simple answer to that is that I changed. Obviously we are all changing everyday and we tend to put up with things that are slightly annoying but bearable. I reached my tolerance level at my current work place a few months back. I'm sick and tired of being in a culture that is all about the figures, a disgustingly political and backstabbing culture where people will go to all sorts of means to get their way, a culture of "individual first company or clients last", a culture of "get things done yesterday and I'm going to pester you until you do it without acknowledging that I was the problem it was delayed". I mean, if you read that would you want to work in a place that is that toxic??
For me, what is even more unbearable is that I don't know how long I am going to stay there for. I know that I have this job as a means to an end - it pays my bills, my mortgage, allows me to do what I am here to do. But when will this end arrive? My studies finish in 3 weeks and currently I have no idea about where to go next in terms of my healing business. I feel like I'm stuck, and the Universe isn't very forthcoming at the moment around giving me an idea of my next step.
So I came home from work yesterday and started to vent to my boyfriend and then the tears started streaming down my face and didn't stop for a long while. I know the Universe is working in my favour - that is why I have a job that allows me to do what I need to do, that is why I've been so fortunate enough to have clients from day 1 of starting my own business... but I'm damn impatient because I know what my life purpose is and I just want to get the heck there right now.
My boyfriend told me that the reason why I didn't get any inkling of my next step, the reason why there was no opportunity that was coming to me right now was because I had no time for it. Balancing work (which I know will be pretty intense leading up to Xmas), studies, time with him, time to work on my health and fitness and catching up with friends is and has been tough. For a person who really likes to spend time alone from people, this season makes it tough and quite frankly, I tire easily. The only time where I will have a break will be Xmas time, and he reckons that at that time the Universe will show itself and give me some more hints about my next steps. I sincerely hope so!
And what can I say.. the Universe does work in some really bizarre ways. After my breakdown yesterday, I then proceeded to give my boyfriend a remedial massage as he's been needing it. After that we were wracking our brains about where to go for dinner, and "Indian" popped up into my head so we headed down the road to an Indian place. Lo and behold who would be sitting out the front of the Indian restaurant scoffing his face full of food? MM! I hadn't seen MM for ages and had been trying to talk to him for the past few months but he's been so busy but of all places I run into him out the front of a dodgy Indian restaurant which is actually a 40 min drive from where he lives! We had a quick but good chat where he suggested I email my lecturer who will be teaching me biodynamic craniosacral therapy next year for the reading material and said he'd lend me some more books and invited myself and my boyfriend over for a Japanese tea ceremony on Sunday morning. Fancy that!
My boyfriend commented as we were waiting for our food that running into my mentor was the Universe's way of telling me everything was going to be OK. Who would have thought right? I normally never have dinner at that time (I eat earlier as I'm normally starving when I get home from work) and I rarely ever get Indian but for some reason I had the urge to go to that place at that time. Well played Universe - thank you for being there to remind me that everything is happening for a reason.
That's not to say that I don't feel shitty about working at my current company. I do. I know that I still need to work in this job as it cares for my material needs... so until the time I can completely make the transition, I'm going to find it hard to stop myself from looking far into the future. But I do know that I have the support of my family and friends, I really wonderful and caring boyfriend and the Universe always has my back. And as one of my dear friends told me this week "Look at how fast you have progressed down this path - it was only a little over a year ago that you made the choice to do this, and now you're only working 3 days a week, got a business with clients and you've almost finished your Diploma. That's pretty amazing". Yea she was right - I need to give myself a pat on the back for how far I have come in the past year and a bit. Sometimes it's so difficult to focus on the good aspects of your life when the negative ones are flung at you in your face. I'll get through this though.. the Universe never gives you something that you can't handle.